Strength

I'm feeling rather fabulous these days and I'm not exactly sure why but I'm loving it.  I was worried that I would fall into the usual moping routine that happens when Alan is in China, but this time was different.  I feel like I've found a confident part of me that I never knew existed.  I have been completely content with the silence and the aloneness that I've been experienced while Alan has been gone, I've almost embraced it I guess.  It might sound like I like him being away, but that is not the case.  I do really miss him but I think that I've had a chance to get back in touch with myself, regain something that I didn't realize that I had lost.  When you are in a relationship, I think you learn to only be defined by that, its easy to forget that you are your own person who has their own separate desired and interests.  Alone-time has allowed me to explore those things that I had put aside.  I've been running (jogging really I guess) and I'm am 12 pounds away from my goal!  I feel like I'm accomplishing something so incredible and I feel like it has been enjoyable losing 36 pounds, hard work and all.  Today I'm so confident that I am really close to registering for my half-marathon this May.  I've been putting off the registration for a while because I've been iffy on whether I would be able to complete it.  At the moment, I don't care and I'm excited to push myself!  I better stop gushing about my fabulous mood or I'm going to miss my movie.  I'm breaking down a huge wall for me and going to the movies alone and I'm really looking forward to it.  I better go!  Alan will be home tomorrow thankfully!

STupid girly movies that make me cry!  You think that after reading PS I Love You and sobbing through the book, I would learn not to watch the movie.  Unfortunately for me, the movie was much more poignant than the book was and I cried for almost 2 hours.  And why do they have to use one of the 2 Flogging Molly songs that make me cry at the end!  It's like they wrote the book and the movie to torment me.  

It's funny though because my bosses wife suggested the movie to me to watch while Alan was gone sine it was a cute girly movie.  Its obvious now that she doesn't understand exactly what Alan I went through during his battle with cancer or she wouldn't have suggested it so lightheartedly.  I don't expect her to understand because she didn't know me when we were going through that and I understand why she thought I would like it.  But its hard for me since some of the things in the book were what I was so afraid of or things that had gone through my mind.  We're lucky that Alan is still around but it doesn't make it any easier for me to endure.  

Anyways, sorry that was so random but I had to get it out and the cats only listen for so long. :)  So watch PS I Love You if you want to understand my ranting.  It's a great story though and part of it is in Ireland which is a bonus (yeah Irish accents!).